One More Light Goes Out

When I heard that singer Chester Bennington of Linkin Park had died, I relived many memories while listening to his music again last night. The songs took me back to the time when Caffrey Conversation was in its infancy.

I'd started listening to Linkin Park and downloading their songs shortly before learning that my mother was dying, and in 2013 - 2014 I listened to several of the songs over and over again as I came to terms with my shock and grief. The angsty themes of loss fit my mood, and the loud, aggressive tones of many of the songs were helpful for letting me belt out my emotions as I sang along. And the slower, softer tunes like "Roads Untraveled" provided comfort and a respite from a whirlwind of anger and denial.

At the same time, the final seasons of White Collar were becoming increasingly angsty. I couldn't help noticing that the song titles and lyrics fit the sense of frustration and loss Neal Caffrey must have felt as his deal with the FBI seemed to crumble from an opportunity for rehabilitation into a danger of indentured servitude. A song titled "Runaway" or "I'll Be Gone" seemed a perfect match with Neal's flight instinct.

Long before I wrote a word of Caffrey Flashback and Caffrey Disclosure, I imagined cousins for Neal with their own angsty backstories. The songs fit for them, too -- for instance, I could imagine Henry singing "Powerless" about his relationship with his father.  The fact that Linkin Park had two lead singers worked well for my daydreams about Urban Legend, with Neal and Henry harmonizing. I chose two Linkin Park songs to reference in the chapter of Caffrey Disclosure where Neal and Henry finally perform together on stage: "Easier to Run" and "Numb." And in an earlier chapter when Henry's particularly stressed, he sings "In the End."

Spinning plots that had Urban Legend singing these songs, I found an escape from my personal grief. Instead of reliving memories of sadness, I was letting my imagination take me to new places -- places where I was in control.

As much as I enjoyed the music and the inspiration it provided, I didn't know much about the artists who were writing and performing the songs. It wasn't until the announcement about Chester Bennington's death hit the news that I read notes about his life. One element that particularly struck me was how he and his wife had been targeted by a hacker who broke into their email accounts. It read like one of the variations I'd considered for Choirboy Caffrey, where a former rock star receives threatening emails. Truth, it seems, is at least as strange as fiction.

I wish Chester's friends, family and fans peace. And for anyone contemplating suicide, I hope you'll reach out to a professional or a helpline, and keep holding on to life.

One More Light by Linkin Park: lyrics