From elementary school through high school, I was a good student. Yet every fall as the new school year loomed, I worried this would be the grade that got the best of me. Maybe it would be too hard this time, or I would forget how I’d managed to succeed so far. Now as I face the start of a new job, I feel that same concern. Even though the interviews went well and my experience and skills are a great match to the job description, doubt lingers: What if this time I can’t do it?
The same holds true with writing. I set progressively more challenging goals as I worked through the stories of the Caffrey Conversation, and at the start of each new story I wondered if this time I would fail.
For instance, with Caffrey Envoy, I wondered if including an anecdote from Neal’s childhood was crazy. With Caffrey Flashback, I wondered if Neal’s repressed memories would be too intense, and if the case was too complex. With Caffrey Disclosure I wondered if I’d bitten off more than I could handle as the Urban Legend/Masterson case was woven with the hunt for Robert Winslow. Not to mention the fact that I had a case centered around the music industry, and I’m not a music expert.
At least with those stories I was building on prior work. Each completed Caffrey Conversation story emboldened me to try the next. However, my attempt to write an original novel with no ties to my fan fiction is scary on a whole new level. Even though I told myself throughout writing Flashback and Disclosure that they were practice for writing a novel-length mystery, I still find myself asking: What if this time I'm attempting something that’s too hard?
As a result, I’ve procrastinated. Sure, the things I did over the last few months were worthwhile. My home needed decluttering and general maintenance. My foot needed surgery. My family needed attention. My father needed help organizing his thoughts when he was inspired to start a novel – and the vacation spent on that effort was an experience I’ll remember with fondness for years to come. And yes, I found a new job. The whole salary and benefits thing is important for supporting my writing hobby.
The fact remains that, even with all of those things going on, I could have made more progress than I have so far. Some part of my mind grew impatient, in fact, and sent bursts of inspiration that I jotted down on scraps of paper – my favorite being a purple duckling named Amethyst who shakes things up for the main character.
I have to give a lot of credit to Silbrith, who kept me engaged in writing activities. Whether it was adding to the blog, or editing her increasingly diverse set of stories, or publishing the occasional short story in my Caffrey Vignettes, I’ve almost always had something “writer-ish” going on. She’s recommended great books on the craft of writing, and asks about the writing software I purchased, called Scrivener. There’s nothing like having an encouraging, supporting friend to keep you going – especially when that friend is a fellow writer who understands what you’re going through.
In the last week I moved past the fear and made definitive progress on the story I refer to as Prime. I’ve named the major characters, written character sketches, and produced an outline and one of the initial scenes. There’s still much more to do, and many temptations to procrastinate again as I start the new job. I think it’s a given that I’ll stumble along the way, but taking the first step is the scariest part, and that’s done. My journey to write a novel has officially begun.
For more about my planned novel, visit the Prime page.
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