Identifying with Neal Caffrey

Until recently I thought the only time I could identify with Neal Caffrey was when I changed jobs. Joining a new team, learning new vocabularies and processes -- these brought me back to the pilot episode of White Collar and to the first stories of the Caffrey Conversation AU. Otherwise, what could I possibly have in common with a slick con artist like Neal?

More than I thought.

The last few years my work has been particularly stressful, with elements that triggered fears and insecurities. I kept going, meeting and exceeding expectations in the office, and making progress at home in my writing. But there was often the sense that I was just hanging in there for the paycheck. I longed to break free and escape, with my commitments chafing like Neal's tracking anklet.

My experience wasn't entirely bad. I met team members who became friends, and some of the projects were interesting. Other projects felt like a waste of my skills. Neal might say something similar about his job at the FBI. He made friends and some of the cases were exciting, but then there were those boring mortgage fraud cases he complained about.

I had some decent bosses and project leaders -- the Peters of the world who had good intentions. However, it was more common that those in charge saw me and my peers as resources. They wanted to benefit from our talents and efforts, and didn't care whether we got burned out. These were my version of Agent Rice, who saw Neal as nothing more than a tool in the Bureau's belt.

At times I dealt with bullies, people who went out of their way to make me or others miserable. These people were my equivalent to the big villains in White Collar.

Eight months ago I started a new job, and I soon realized that I'd found something special. I'm gradually letting go of the stress I had taken for granted the last few years, and as I do that, I realize my stress was something else I had in common with Neal. His must have been so much worse, with the constant threat of prison if he didn't meet expectations and exhibit complete loyalty to the FBI.

In hindsight I feel more empathy for Neal, and understand the temptation he felt to run. It must have been hard to turn down Mozzie and other old friends who wanted him to return to his old life. I certainly kept in close contact with recruiters the last few years, needing to know I had options if things became unbearable where I was.

I'm reminded of one of my reasons for introducing Henry and Win-Win to the Caffrey Conversation AU: to give Neal an option he didn't have on the TV show. Silbrith has extended his options with the Columbia plot lines. Perhaps the positive changes in my own career will help me as we brainstorm future plots to bring Neal to the happy ending he deserves.

For now, I'm feeling elated and energetic, and in the next few months much of my newfound energy will be directed into the AO3 Chocolate Box exchange, and then into my novel. Neal remains in the back of my mind, waiting for more vignettes or short stories about his adventures.