Spending Holidays Alone

As people contemplate smaller holiday gatherings, I'll share some of my experiences in case it helps anyone. And of course it will tie into writing.

Have I experienced the big family gatherings that it seems most people consider traditional for Thanksgiving and Christmas in the United States? Yes. I do know what it's like to be part of that. And of course Silbrith and I have written that experience multiple times for our characters. 

But that's not my usual experience. Most of the time holidays were a group of six people or less. Often it was three people: me and my parents. Why? Partly due to an estrangement with one side of the family -- for very good reasons that I didn't understand until I grew up. Partly due to being located far from the rest of the family and my parents not having the time off from work and/or funds to travel for two holidays at the end of the year. These were also circumstances that I didn't fully grasp as a child.

And even though I'd experienced the larger gatherings, even though movies and advertisements suggested that small gatherings weren't truly festive, I never felt shortchanged. I credit Mom for making sure that our small celebrations felt special. We had holiday foods, decorations, music, and created traditions that worked for us. We chatted with family who lived in other states. Our holidays never felt small or diminished.

When I grew up and moved away, my parents visited me for Christmas, until the year that Dad started a job that required he work on the holiday. We talked it over and decided that they'd fly out the day after. And that meant I spent my first Christmas alone. Almost everything would be closed, so there wouldn't be an option of going out and distracting myself from the fact that I was alone on a major holiday. So I planned how I wanted to spend the day. I made sure I had music, movies, and books that I loved. I curled up in front of the fireplace in my most comfy pajamas. Without the pressure I usually put on myself to make lots of side dishes, I prepared only my most favorite foods. 

What I experienced that day was peace. Free from expectations and pressures, I had a truly relaxing day full of time to enjoy things I loved. It was in many ways the most spiritual Christmas I'd ever experienced. In the years that followed, I looked forward to my Christmas alone. When coworkers and other friends would ask about my plans, I'd be vague. I didn't want pity or invitations to spend the holiday with them, because I truly treasured the tradition I'd started. And I also knew that most people wouldn't understand.

Of course, in those days I had simply delayed the family celebration a few days. Normally I'd visit my parents for Thanksgiving and they'd visit me for New Years. And then Mom died. The first major holiday after her death was Thanksgiving, and we tried to recreate the traditional celebration she'd always hosted. It was utterly miserable, every moment a reminder that she was gone. The next year, I suggested an entirely different celebration that combined things I loved and things Dad loved in a way that was unique. Non-traditional, but joyful. 

Then came the first Christmas without Mom. There wasn't going to be a delayed celebration over New Years. It was truly going to be me, alone. Things that had made me happy in previous years brought too many memories of Mom. So what was I to do?

It was time to start another new holiday tradition. Two months earlier, I'd posted my first fanfiction. Both the writing process and the reader engagement brought me the only real joy I'd experienced after losing Mom. I realized that what I wanted to do on the holidays was to write and post stories. Losing myself in the writing brought me relief, and I liked to think that I brought happiness to readers who needed a distraction for whatever reason over Christmas and New Years. 

Here we are, seven years later. I've regained my joy in more traditional celebrations. There will be holiday music, decor, and foods in my home in the next few weeks. There will be chats with family members in other states. Yes, I'll be alone. And yes, I'll be writing and posting fluffy stories in the hopes of bringing cheer to others. And yes, I'll be unashamedly happy.

I wish you all happiness in the upcoming holidays. Around Christmas I'll start posting a story I'm calling "Lavender Dreams." It's a fluffy story in the Caffrey Conversation AU featuring Neal and Sara at a wedding, with lots of references to Pride and Prejudice.